I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
