Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
