I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
