my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
