TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
