On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Less talking, more tequila
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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