every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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