How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
