the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
