I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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