I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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