the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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