You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
