i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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