Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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