I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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