I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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