A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
