You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
