The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
