1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Found the puke drawer
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
