Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
