How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
