Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
