Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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