Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
