I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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