I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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