im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
