i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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