My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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