I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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