Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
