This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
