We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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