Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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