so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
