Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
