I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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