Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
