You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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