the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
