Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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