Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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