Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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