Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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