that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
