He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
