Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
