I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
