He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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